Growing up has always meant trying things on, changing your mind, and sometimes cringing at the memory. The difference now is that so much of that process happens in public, where a post can be shared, screenshotted, commented on, and saved.  

In this episode of You Only Know What You Know, hosts Beth Hope, LCSW, and Britt Teasdale talk with Katrina Shannon, LMFT, Director of the Center of Excellence at Compass Health Center, about how growing up online affects identity development, boundaries, and emotional safety. They explore how parents can talk with kids about posting, privacy, consent, harmful content, and AI, and when to start these conversations. 

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Meet the Guests

Katrina Shannon, LMFT, Director of the Center of Excellence, Compass Health Center 
Katrina Shannon, LMFT, Director of the Center of Excellence, Compass Health Center 
Katrina is a licensed marriage and family therapist who has been at Compass for ten years. She has worked across the child, adolescent, young adult, and adult programs, with both individuals and families. Today she works on the Center of Excellence team, supporting curriculum across Compass Health Center’s under-18 programs. 

Episode Highlights 

The conversation below comes from episode 13 of You Only Know What You Know featuring Katrina Shannon, LMFT. The transcript has been lightly edited for length and readability. 

What Does Healthy Identity Development Look Like in Childhood and Adolescence? 

Katrina Shannon, LMFT: A big piece of identity starts very young, with learning what I have control over and what I don’t. What’s my parents’ role versus mine? Where do I exert control, and where do I go with the flow? Later, in late childhood and early adolescence, the questions shift to “Who actually am I?” That means exploring values, beliefs, and interests, and it looks different from early to late adolescence. 

Typical development is the opportunity to explore, make changes, and not commit to who you are. Even as an adult, my identity can keep evolving. It’s critical to have a space to explore and to know that who I am today can be different from who I am in six months. It also affects the whole family. As you watch your child explore who they are, you may see shared values and different ones, and that has an impact on you as a caregiver. 

How Does Growing Up Online Affect a Teen’s Sense of Identity? 

Katrina Shannon, LMFT: I think about two pieces. First, part of identity is trying on different hats without committing to who I am today, but online it can feel like everything is permanent. If I post something, it’s there forever. Second is the audience. Adolescents often feel like everyone is looking at them. Without the internet, I could say, “Are you sure? We have no evidence of that.” But online, a lot of people really are looking. 

That affects what people post. Teens focus on how many likes or comments they get, or look at an influencer’s or friend’s post and the reactions it gets, and that starts to shape how they feel about themselves. They may see someone get bullied and worry about what would happen if they posted something similar, or they may just compare themselves. And many of us have gotten lost in a doom scroll of content that brings up negative thoughts about ourselves. 

Is Social Media Making It Harder for Teens to Be Their Authentic Selves? 

Katrina Shannon, LMFT: I think it’s a little bit of everything, and I can’t speak for every teen. There can be a positive side. If a teen is about to take a risk, the fear that someone might record or post it can lead them to think through the outcome while their frontal cortex is still developing. 

The risk is that identity development involves taking risks, experimenting, and learning from mistakes. If mistakes can be posted publicly, screenshotted, or sent around, that fear might make a teen less willing to explore. My concern isn’t so much resilience, because navigating hurtful posts or unkind responses can build it. It’s whether a teen stops stepping outside their comfort zone to try a new activity or persona because they fear being judged. 

I don’t think we can say this applies to all adolescents. One teen might sit in a safe box and not explore, and another might say, “I don’t care, this is who I am.” Caregivers can also remember that identity is built outside the online world too: in conversations at home, clubs and activities, the way someone dresses and presents themselves, and being able to say the wrong thing without judgment. 

How Can Parents Help Shape Their Child’s Values in an Online World? 

Katrina Shannon, LMFT: It depends on the parent, but it starts with understanding your own values. How we treat others and ourselves, and helping kids learn to be kind, loving, and empathetic, are essential pieces of identity, because they shape how you interact with the world and how you handle challenges. Open, honest conversations about what your family values give adolescents a way to navigate their own beliefs, including healthy disagreement when you’re not on the same page. 

I’d also focus on helping kids create healthy boundaries, take care of themselves, and become independent through everyday responsibilities like managing schoolwork and taking care of their things. 

Beth Hope, LCSW: The more kids have a solid understanding of how they and their people feel about something, whether it’s moral, immoral, scary, or safe, the more protective that can be. And when they encounter something unsettling online, they’re more likely to talk about it if they feel they can come to you. 

What Should Parents Do If a Child Is Hurt by Something Posted Online? 

Katrina Shannon, LMFT: The first challenge is knowing it’s happening. Think about how you can set yourself up to support your child, whether that’s following them, knowing their passwords, or having other parents let you know. Then address it directly, with curiosity rather than judgment or shame. Try to understand what happened and give them space to talk about how they feel. Ask what they need in this moment, whether they feel safe, and where you go from here. 

Include your child as a collaborator in deciding next steps, such as whether to notify the school. Your child might say, “Please don’t do anything.” If it’s about their safety, you may have to act anyway, so talk through how to navigate that together. Extra support, like an outpatient therapist or a supportive family space, may help too. And as much as possible, don’t surprise your child. Helping them know what the path forward looks like can reduce anxiety. 

If your child was the one who did something inappropriate or hurtful, take the same curious approach. Try something like, “I don’t see you as this behavior. I just want to understand what happened.” Taking accountability means owning the behavior, not defending it, and that may include a direct apology. Their behavior doesn’t define who they are. 

How Do Parents Talk to Kids About AI and Upsetting Online Content? 

Katrina Shannon, LMFT: We can embrace it with curiosity. We can set limits, have honest conversations about how to use it responsibly, and talk with teens about the implications. Some of it is outside our control, so the goal is to arm them with information so they can make choices, and navigate mistakes, as safely as possible. 

Beth Hope, LCSW: Children and teens are turning to AI for everything from companionship to mental health support. I talk with my teens about the fact that AI tells you what you want to hear, and it isn’t a person. It can be useful for rehearsing a hard conversation, like how to approach a teacher or give a friend feedback, and then you have that conversation in real life. It’s different when someone asks AI whether thoughts about themselves are true. A parent, counselor, or friend wouldn’t answer the same way. I also tell my kids that anything they’re doing online, they should be able to do in front of another person. And it’s okay to say, “I don’t know. This is changing really fast, and I’m here to protect you.” 

When Should Parents Start Talking About Social Media and Phones? 

Katrina Shannon, LMFT: From the second someone gets a phone or tablet and starts using apps, I’d start having developmentally appropriate conversations. That sets the stage that these are normal conversations in your household. Be transparent from the start about your family’s expectations and parameters.  

For example, you might expect that your child shares their passwords and that you’ll occasionally check in on what they’re doing. Then check in on what they’re seeing, whether it’s something they posted, something a friend posted, or something going on in the world, and ask how they’re feeling and taking care of themselves. 

The decisions you make as a family aren’t permanent either. As kids get older and the online landscape changes, they can change too. And what’s right for your family depends on your family’s needs. 

What Do You Wish More Families Understood About Growing Up Online? 

Katrina Shannon, LMFT: There’s an opportunity to learn about interests kids might never find outside social media, and it helps them stay connected. It’s important to have open, honest conversations about being online: what realistic expectations look like in your household, and how it affects you. Start earlier, so it becomes the norm. Your child may not welcome an hour-long conversation about it, but they should come to expect these conversations from you. 

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Is your child struggling with anxiety, mood, or the pressures of being online? Compass Health Center’s child and teen programs offer PHP and IOP care, with family therapy built in. Learn about our Parents & Family Support Program or schedule an appointment.