Emotional Regulation Isn’t Automatic: What Parents Need to Know About How Kids and Teens Learn to Manage Big Feelings 

Emotional Regulation and Children 

If you’ve ever wondered why your child has such big reactions, or thought, “Shouldn’t they be able to handle this better by now?” you’re not alone. 

We all broadly accept the “terrible twos” phase of childhood. It’s the time between 18 months and 3–4 years when children have frequent tantrums and mood swings over things that are seemingly insignificant and often illogical (at least to adults). Whether it’s caused by providing a sliced apple instead of a whole apple or blocking the way into a busy street, parents of children in this age group begin to predict the things that are likely going to upset their child, coming to expect tears and meltdowns on a daily basis. 

At this age, the amygdala is functioning, and children experience a range of emotions. At the same time, the prefrontal cortex is still developing, and children do not yet have the language or tools to manage those emotions. As they continue to explore their independence and search for patterns and predictability in their worlds, changes to what’s expected are helpful in ultimately building flexibility, but can be incredibly confusing and frustrating in the moment. 

After a certain age, however, most adults’ expectations surrounding a child’s emotional regulation shift. Thoughts like, “they’re too old for this” and “they’re just being dramatic” can start to pop in, and a child’s emotional reactions start to become confusing, and sometimes even frustrating, to adults. 

Many parents assume that emotional regulation in children develops naturally with age. Rather, children, teens, and adults build their emotional regulation skills through modeling from others, co-regulation, and explicit teaching. Emotion regulation is a developmental skill that has to be taught and learned. 

Struggles with emotional regulation don’t mean something is wrong with your child. But ongoing patterns may signal that they need more support. 

What is Emotion Regulation?  

Emotional regulation refers to the ability to manage and respond to emotions in a healthy way. It’s a critical part of child development and emotional health. 

This includes: 

• Noticing emotions 
• Naming emotions 
• Understanding what’s causing them 
• Tolerating distress without reacting impulsively 
• Choosing how to respond instead of reacting automatically 

It’s important to understand that: 

• Having emotions is healthy and necessary 
• Being overwhelmed by emotions is common in children and teenagers 
• Avoiding emotions can lead to bigger challenges later 

Why Can Emotional Regulation Feel So Hard Right Now? 

In 2024, the US Surgeon General published an Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents: Parents Under Pressure. According to 2023 data collected, 48% of parents say that most days their stress is completely overwhelming. While some might argue that parenting has been stressful throughout history, caregivers today are faced with a unique set of stressors: time demands, economic instability, academic pressures and concerns about children’s futures, technology and social media, and rising experiences of isolation and loneliness across both parents and children. 

Reading that previous paragraph is enough to raise stress levels. When stress is high, it is challenging to regulate and, therefore, more challenging to co-regulate. While parents and caregivers are stressed, children and teens are also facing increased pressures of social comparison on social media platforms and increased academic pressures. Naming these pressures and building schedules and routines as a family can be helpful. 

The Brain Science Behind Emotion Regulation 

Understanding brain development can help explain why kids have meltdowns and why teen emotional regulation can be so challenging. 

The brain develops unevenly. The limbic system (responsible for emotions) develops early, while the prefrontal cortex (responsible for impulse control and decision-making) develops into the mid-20s. 

This imbalance leads to big emotional reactions in younger children, heightened sensitivity to peer relationships in teens, and difficulty using logic during emotional moments. When our emotions take over, it is much harder to access our rational thoughts. In these moments, we can’t reliably access the full depth of our language skills, planning skills, and decision-making skills. 

This is why reasoning with a child during a meltdown often doesn’t work, as the part of the brain needed for regulation isn’t fully online yet. 

Why Kids Have Meltdowns and What It Looks Like by Age 

Emotional dysregulation can show up differently depending on developmental stage. It’s also helpful to keep in mind that development is not always synchronous. A child or teenager may show high levels of skill in certain areas, yet have difficulty with regulation. That doesn’t mean they’re doing it on purpose or trying to get a reaction from someone, but more likely that they haven’t yet developed this skill. 

Young Children 

Younger children are more likely to demonstrate dysregulation through externalizing behaviors, including frequent meltdowns involving yelling, insulting others, property damage, and physical aggression. 

Caregivers of young children might see difficulties with transitions, aggressive behaviors toward others, and big reactions to small frustrations. Emotional dysregulation in younger children can be brought about when they are told “no,” plans change, or there is the presence of another stressor for which they don’t yet have the words to talk through. 

Older Children through Teenagers 

Older children, preteens, and teens might be more likely to demonstrate internalizing behaviors, including irritability, mood swings, withdrawal from friends and family, avoidance, and emotional numbness, though they can also show explosive emotional reactions. For teens, emotional regulation is often influenced by identity development, peer dynamics, and increased pressure from parents. 

While these behaviors can be typical, frequent or intense patterns that interfere with daily life may indicate a need for additional support. 

Common Misconceptions about Emotional Regulation 

Parents and caregivers often misinterpret emotional dysregulation, which can lead to frustration and ineffective responses. 

It’s common for caregivers to report beliefs such as: 

• “They’re doing this for attention.” 
• “They’re just being dramatic.” 
• “They should know better by now.” 
• “If I stay consistent enough, this will stop.” 

When we remember that defiance is a symptom of emotional dysregulation, and we think about dysregulation as a child lacking the tools to manage overwhelming emotions, everyone is in a much better position to support skill-building. 

Emotional regulation improves through modeling, support, and skill-building, not punishment or shame. 

How to Help Your Child with Emotional Regulation 

Parents and caregivers play a critical role in helping children and teens learn emotional regulation skills. Co-regulation comes before self-regulation. 

Communication 

Children learn to regulate emotions after repeated experiences of co-regulation, seeing trusted adults utilize skills, and experiencing the benefit. A calm, steady adult helps a child’s nervous system settle. 

Your tone of voice, the amount of words you use, your body language, and your presence matter more than what you say. In these moments, less is more. It isn’t the time for a lecture or an attempt at rationalizing. Rather, keep your statements short and to the point (e.g., “you can do it,” “when your voice matches mine, we can talk,” “I’ll be waiting for you at the kitchen table”). Modeling calm silence can be powerful, too. 

Help your child name their emotions 

Helping your child connect their feelings to a name is a key step in emotion regulation. This can normalize their experience, reduce confusion, reduce intensity, and increase their awareness and insight. Examples include: “That seems really disappointing,” “I might feel sad if that happened to me,” or “I can see that you’re feeling frustrated.” Here, too, less is more while emotions are high. Once your child calms, you can revisit a conversation about emotions. In the moment, however, naming it in one sentence can be helpful. 

Create pause moments 

When emotions are high, focus on pausing and slowing things down rather than solving the problem immediately or moving into redirection with your child. This can send a message to your child that (a) emotions are okay, and (b) we’re all safe; there’s nothing scary about having these feelings. 

You can quietly model deep breathing, taking a break, and time away in a calm area, utilizing movement (jumping jacks, going for a walk), or splashing cold water on your face. These activities can support slowing things down, shifting emotional states, and interrupting impulsive actions during heightened emotions. 

Repair after conflict 

Every crisis, escalation, and conflict is an opportunity to learn and grow. It can also be helpful to build awareness surrounding emotional experiences (e.g., when I’m mad, I hit; when I’m sad, I hide). Taking time to connect and clarify what happened in a moment of dysregulation can help everyone build skills and cope ahead for next time. 

Model healthy emotional regulation 

Children learn by observing and reviewing what happened. How you handle stress, frustration, and conflict teaches your child how to manage their own emotions. You don’t have to be perfect. Reflecting on harder moments can normalize the idea that people can have a hard time and can move through it safely. 

Emotion regulation skills develop over the span of months and years. Don’t be discouraged by inconsistent progress; remember that progress is not always linear. Hard days happen. Consistency in responses, modeling skills, and maintaining boundaries can help. 

When to Consider More Structured Mental Health Support for Your Child 

If you’ve noticed increased dysregulation in your child and it’s interfering with their or your daily life, it could be helpful to seek therapy services. 

Many different types of therapy structures can support your child in building emotional regulation skills: weekly individual counseling, skills groups, parent coaching, family therapy, and other related services (e.g., occupational therapy). 

While weekly therapy can provide support for many, there may be times when a more structured, frequent, and wraparound treatment model is most helpful. 

When dysregulation leads to persistent distress, school refusal, behavioral outbursts that can put your child or others in danger, safety concerns, or symptoms that are escalating faster than weekly therapy can address, it may be helpful to explore a higher level of care, including Partial Hospitalization (PHP) and Intensive Outpatient (IOP) programs. In these settings, individuals have increased access to treatment and opportunities to practice skills in real time. These levels of care involve a multidisciplinary approach and support skill-building through group therapy, individual check-ins, family therapy, consultation, and medication management. 

Day by Day: Emotional Regulation as a Developmental Skill 

Emotional regulation in children and teens is not something they can independently “grow into.” It is a skill that develops over time through experience, guidance, teaching, and support. Emotional regulation isn’t something that any of us have or don’t have. It is something we can practice and build every day. 

Big feelings and dysregulation do not mean your child is failing, and it doesn’t mean that you are failing. This is a natural part of development. Each difficult moment is an opportunity to learn. With the right tools and support, children and teens can learn to regulate emotions, problem-solve challenges, and build their toolbox over time.